I believe in cruelty

screamfest was alright. i wish i could have spent more time there but I had dance so I only got to do a couple things. Tonight will be fun I am going to howl-o-scream with amanda,ashley, and melanie so yay!

dunno what else is really new...new crushes...guys being douchebags..classes...oh and swing dance..which is so much fun ^_^. dave came with us last week and made us dinner which was awesome. i love his cooking, i need to learn how. haha. fail.

i haven't been going home as much since I moved which is good. I'm still horribly unorganized and my room is not decorated but it's a lot better than my living situation before, i actually feel comfortable here which is nice. and....dress rehearsal on saturday i can't wait to see what jessica has made for me :)

I also got ambien prescribed to me...which hasn't been working so well anymore. my body just must hate sleeping or something. I've been talking a lot more to my brother which is nice. we're seeing the same doctor now who gave me meds for my stomach and anxiety so im happy for the most part.

I have to figure out my schedule next semester. I need to talk to someone about med school cause im totally dedicated. I will be in school forever..but I would be anyway if i ever wanted to do anything in psychology so i might as well go all out

well this year has been..special i guess.
We moved out, and Melissa ended up leaving our apartment and switching with some psycho who I'm going to try to get kicked out of our apartment if she doesn't realize 3 other people live there. It was some drama with melissa but were all still friends. So now me and ashley have to deal with this spoiled brat.

anyways. i havent done any shoots or anything lately. i have to try to go back to dance saturday. I've been sick and not sleeping. i love insomnia -.-...the only thing that worked for me was ambien but i have to get it prescribed to me so i gota tell the doctor on thursday.

lets see what else...all ive done is homework and class crap. i quit shimmy knights because it wasnt fun for me anymore, they made it too demanding. me and ash want to do fencing and swing dance though so maybe after this week things will clam down. i just been sick to my stomach and not feeling well.

i also punched dustin in the face when i was a little messed up. and for some reason he still wants to be with me.weird. dunno.cant think straight. bai

so me and dustin went down to the keys last week. i cant believe a week has gone by. We went to castaway the first night and had some awesome sushi and grouper. I love it down there, its so relaxing. then we smoked by the ocean and hung out and swam in the pool...the pool was pretty awesome

tuesday we went to get snorkeling gear and i was scared to be so far in the ocean and it was murky i thought i was gona get stung by a jelly fish. we explored the island a bit and found some lagoon he wanted to look for lobster in but there were too many jelly fish so we decided to look around somewhere else. we rented a jet ski which was amazingly fun even though he went too fast and i was scared i was gona fall and screaming the whole time. we went way off away from the shore and the water was clear and pretty ^_^

that night we went over to key west and drank ...a lot..went to the southernmost point and it was so relaxing and fun. i met a nice lady in the "smallest bar" and got some amazing frozen drinks.all the trannies were checking out dustin it was funny...

wednesday we went out and rented a kayak and found an awesome place to look for lobsters by this abandoned marina..i was so tired and we hung out by the tiki bar at this other resort where we rented the kayak for awhile..then we jumped off their dock where we wernt supposed to swim so we could swim over to the abandoned marina..i got all cut up and stuff but it was really cool. we had to somehow get up this broken dock cause there was no other way to get into the lighthouse. i still have glass or a splinter or something in my foot.

anyway...we caught 2 lobsters that were the right size..every other one was too small. but yeah it was kind of creepy...the water scares me cause im afraid of whats in it..oh and sharks. we must have been out there for hours cause i have a happy tan line on my butt. i dont remember the last time i had a tan.

anyway it was all good till dustin lost his keys and we were stranded cause we couldnt get in or drive his car...it took hours for someone helping us..we thought he was just a nice guy but apparently he just wanted me to sleep with him...ugh assholes

but yeah
sooooooo
we just hung out that night and chilled out after having been stuck outside for hours.
i was sooo sore from all the kayaking and swimming
but we got some pizza and chilled.

and just last night we ate our amazing lobsters...and MMMMMMMMMMMM i apparently like lobster lol

moving out again soon. im excited, and anxious as well.

today i should be going to jessica's to discuss possible performances at screamfest or other various places.

Monday im going to the keys :)

and bleh. i dont know how to get the energy to start doing all this crap i need to do.

at disney's boardwalk is fun.

ha. me and michele went last night with some of her friends and requested what is love and some other fun songs and they played our amazing songs. i wanted to request digital get down, but there were already 500 million requests.

The random guy who dresses up like a cowboy with lights in his hat and jacket was there again and he kept hitting on michele's friend brittney, it was hilarious.

and then my zipper broke on my pants. damn.

so today were probably gona go to sweet tomatoes woo.
i cant wait, this week is the last for my summer class then i get a small break like 2 weeks.
and next week im going to the keys for 3 days so im excited.

i went back to belly dance yesterday for the first time in awhile and were doing veils. the damn thing kept hitting me in the face and getting stuck haha.
I have to figure out if im dancing in screamfest or not x.x

i didnt know people could still be immature at this age.
i honestly expected so much more out of that girl.


whateva.


time to get my hair done.

then probably head to atlantic dance with my love michele :-P

yay for disney clubs

and billy mays is still amazing.

BTW i think im gona report my shitty teacher. shes such a bitch.
fuckin statistics

not to mention i've gotten some guy in trouble at work for trying to fuck me over thinking he could get away with giving me the shift i couldnt do instead of the one i said i would take. i told the mean manager about it so i wouldnt get reprimanded for not showing up when it was his mistake. go me.
andddddddd im happy i have the 2 best roomates in the world<3 the 3rd one so far doesnt seem too bad. shes been talking to us on facebook, and seems pretty nice. im just worried about what someone else had said about her x.x oh well. hopefully it wont be so bad

stressed..and pissed

and i dont know where to start with anything.

apparently the part i need for my car is important but i dont know if i trust these asshole mechanics. they charged me 90 bucks just to LOOK and see what the problem is

im so pissed off right now.

I was looking forward to this shoot tonight but thats not happening. and i was supposed to be shooting more but i cant do shit until i have a car.

too much shit

at least last week was okay, minus the asshole Scottish boy leading me on and being a douchebag. ibar was nice last week, i just wish i had a ride home so i could have drank more.

bleh...whatever

i saw michele yesterday and played pool and got sushi. the highlight of my week.

erg..

so on thursday I went out with stephanie and melissa to makos and chillers.
It was sooo much fun. Steph brought her 21 hat again and i wore it which got me a lot of attention. One of the guys in charge had me come up on one of the stages and spin the wheel. I got the beer bong so the sexy guy in a kilt put it between his legs and poured the beer in and i thought i was gona be sick, but i just had to burp :-P
Anyway, after that we got free drinks until 12, so it was fun we just kinda were tripped out by the lights. Anyway, so the guy at the door kept hitting on me and telling the skanky girls who work there to tell me he thought i was hot. so i gave him a hug, he was kinda cute. but i ignored him when we left.

So for awhile we went over to chillers and the bartender gave me a free shot and i got a hug from the door guy there too. Some hot guy was trying to talk to me cause i guess his birthday was the day before but his stupid friends made him leave. i was sad, i wanted a cute boy!
so we tried to follow them upstairs into the bar but we didnt see him so we danced around on the pole up there and took a bunch of pics. then we went back down to makos and the bouncer picked me up and put me on stage and made me dance. i couldnt jump down cause it was too high and all these guys on the floor were taking pictures of us, so it was funny.and then these 2 creepos tried to take us into VIP , they kept trying to talk to us and they pretty much made us come up with them. Then one kept touching me so we left without saying anything. they wernt buying us drinks so fuck them. anyway
after..we hung out a little longer then i got a free bike ride after another random hug, cause the biker guy downtown was bored. so he drove us all around and to our cars. then i told him i liked his butt and i thought he was cute. so i got his name and a sweaty hug haha.

so yeah. fun stuff.

Last night I went with mahham to go see andy and his 2 friends from scottland.
One was REALLY cute and i flirted like woah. i drank a little and it was funny. we fought over a tiger. and i realllllly want to see him again and talk to him. He was so sweet and adorable<3

I just gave jessica a driving lesson, shes gotten better but i thought she was gona ruin my car lol

hehehe, i always thought that title had a ring to it


so..all in all my birthday wasn't bad. I'm never much for ridiculous parties with massive amounts of people.

Well..last night before midnight dustin took me downtown and we went into some underground bar and i had a sex on the beach at midnight. Then...i had a red headed slut...so i had felt pretty drinky drunk. The bar was so empty too i think we were the only people there. but i guess thats what happens on a monday night. Then he took me to Makos and the hot guy gave us incredible hulks, then a washington apple. I wanted to kill dustin for giving me so much..i was surprised at how skanky the girls looked, but the one shot girl was really nice and she talked to us for awhile. then we went next door to chillers, and the girl at the bar was so nice, she gave me a free random shot of something, i was pretty gone by now. then i had a frozen drink called a purple orgasm, it was yummy. But unfortunately i couldnt hold all that alcohol down, im just happy i got sick after i got home. I felt okay . but then we smoked out of my cute new elephant pipe and i think thats what did me in.

I was hungover when i took my final today i was trying to sober up but i had the worst stomach pains. but somehow i got a hundred on my exam woo! Another A for me. idk how that happened.but anyway. So today melissa and dave came with me to chilis for lunch and i brought my sister since my parents were working and i didnt wana leave her at home. and they sang for me and gave me ice cream.

after chilis, we went to see the hangover which i thought was pretty appropriate
and i still was hungover..lol and michele came :-D

so after that, ashleys sister picked me up and we got rick and we went to jelly rolls which was a nice place. stephanie came and brought me her happy 21 wheres the bar hat.i requested "if you're happy and you know it" and they made fun of me, but then everyone participated, it was cute. we chilled there and drank and i hadnt eaten for awhile at this point so i needed food. so we went to bennigins and i ate a bit and drank a chocolate martini which made me sick. woo. that was the end of my fun filled day lol

is my birthday :) finally gona be 21 , no more stupid X's on my hand at clubs.

I'm probably gona spend the day with my lovely ashley then do something for dinner, then go to jelly rolls, and then head to chillers downtown to dance and drink some frozen drinks.

It's so weird that my birthday came up this fast. i can't believes its been a year since my crazyness last year. wow.........

I have a final at midnight right when my birthday starts until midnight tomorrow night but....im gona try to do it once midnight hits so that i can have tomorrow to do whatever i want yay.

and i cant waittt until august to move in with my amazing friends

is okay. nothing special. ive done a couple of shoots. i need to update my other journal and post the pics on there.
i went to rocky with twiggy for the first time in a long time. it was special...the only nice people that i knew were bart and usagi. the other people were people who either hated me or i just didnt know.

i had fun with my new best friend nick haha, we went to ihop and i wouldnt shut up as usual. i think it was last monday or something. we went to fairvilla to look at the anal beads and throw them at eachother. j/k but it was fun nontheless.

the L.T show last friday was fun, i went with twiggy, hector, and jessica.

i got drunk with twiggy and brian the other night. hahaha. it was epic. we took a lot of crazy pictures i dont remember, apparently we played dress up.and i remember hitting zombies with things on dead rising.
and watching WKUK videos. woot

im working next week for once finally. ive been babysitting and next week ill be working at disney again and pet sitting. oh joy. i want to get out of orlando ive been feeling trapped

summer school is lame. i dropped one class cause the one im taking is already a lot. and i need time for fun time.

Yesterday me, ashley, and melissa went to look at places to live. we ended up picking a place and signing up. so it will be us 3 and some random roomate. hopefully she will be nice.

im getting my hair done today. yay!

So I'm excited this semester I got all A's surprisingly. I need to keep it up as best as possible but hopefully my GPA will stay high enough i can get into med school. I joined some honors thing, but I kind of missed the new members thing since I was doing a shoot at the beach house..whoops.

But the beach house was definitely a lot more fun than a boring thing where I wouldn't know anybody.
It was fun. My last final was on monday and I went to wackadoos with melissa after, and she was sad i'm not 21 so she had to have a drink by herself while i ate some food and stuffed my face. After that she came over to my apartment to help me pick out alcohol for the beach and watch hot rod..yet again..because we are all obsessed with that freakin movie. Anyway, tuesday we left for the beach and I picked up jessica and her friend matt and melissa picked up ashley and came over to my parents. So melissa ended up driving there. Brian met us there and we took a million awesome pics.

We all didn't fit in my car on our way to find dinner so ashley sat across everyone in the back. it was pretty humorous. Anyway...so we were all up until about 4..5..or 6 after a fun game of ring of fire. and it was definitely entertaining. Ashley chugged 151 as usual. and she wonders why she was hung over the next morning :-P but i brought her a happy biscuit from the blueberry muffin which is just the most amazing place ever<3 Although I'm sad we didn't get to play video games we were so out there...

So wednesday we woke up pretty late and went to our amazing blueberry muffin place. Brian, ashley, melissa and I went off to the beach for about an hour just to lay out in the sand and try the water..which was freakin freezing, but still amazing regardless. it was definitely some time i needed to relax. and i love the beach..I just wanted to build a sandcastle...but i didn't have the tools. :-P

So we went to friendly's and drove back and it took forever dropping everyone off and i didnt get home until about 9, and it turned out brian left his charger there..so i got to take it back to his place thursday after dustin left for work and watch some funny videos of his old disney managers XD love the burger king safety dance<3...anyway

so yesterday i did nothing..except dustin came over and we just loafed around until he had to go to work, then i went out to eat with chris and went to his place to smoke and watch tv. It was entertaining. We had an adventure trying to find a place to eat. it was special haha. I wanted a freakin brownie, because I am addicted.

and I wanted to go to NIN today but it just didn't happen. oh well. at least i went in october and it was freakin amazing<3 and I start level 4 today in belly dance..

oh ...i forgot..the belly dance show was awesome. since my dad and jessica couldnt go, it was me, my mom, my sister, ashley, dave and andrez who met up with us there. It was a really uplifting show I had a lot of fun. even if i wanted to die when i was on stage. but it was a lot of fun, and we all ate at denny's after and ashley bought me an amazing brownie because they are so amazing. And we had a lot of interesting weird conversations that are all a blur, which is sad cause i dont think we went 5 minutes without laughing.

I dunno...

Schools been making me over think everything lately and im just starting to lose interest in pretty much everything. I've lost any motivation to even just get up in the morning. Going home doesn't help, it just reminds me of what a fucked up dad I've had my whole life and makes me remember how none of us in my family are even people to him.
It reminds me, of how not close I am to my moms relatives, even when my cousin lives right down the street. I was too different from my family I guess probably because I don't pretend to try and be perfect like they do.

Dunno, had another breakdown last night. And fell asleep but kept waking up with horrible nightmares. Pretty much the usual when I don't have anyone to sleep with for a night. I def need to see someone.

I know my roomates make my anxiety worse. I Can not wait to move the hell out of here. They just seem to like to bitch about one thing or another. I swear, they just look for things to bitch about, and I never want to start anything so I hold back on all the shit they do. I hate when people think that their way of doing everything is right. I try to at least respect their way of doing things. I don't even bitch about the stupidity of them leaving lights on when nobody's home. and how rude it is they feel the need to be so loud at night.

Anyway, I cant wait...the 29th is the last day of school and im free until the 18th of may and then its only summer classes until late june which is just one class on campus then the other online.

At least I have the troupe pictures tonight. The pedicure I got yesterday was nice, my toes look somewhat not disgusting. I just wish I felt more a part of troupe. And then the Belly Dance show on the 2nd of may, I am excited about seeing jessica's costume shes making for me. I think im gona do my first fitting tomorrow. and our shoot for her items and accessories will be a lot of fun at the beach house.

Other than that...not much going on. Not sure how to make a life for myself.

Spring break was OKAY. nothing too amazing. went to old town with melissa and twiggy, i forgot what else i did. oh i went to disney. which was fun. hung out with michele. i know i read a lot...too much. erg.

still confused about what im doing in school, or even what ive been up to lately lol. Its jessica's birthday tomorrow so were gona go to ibar wednesday to celebrate. im sooo excited to see the outfit shes making me for belly dance :-D

I had a performance last friday, that was nerve wrecking, but it turned out okay.
im in classssss ahhhhhhhh 3 hours of ahhhhhness

Dustin and i got into a fight last tuesday but we talked it out


worrrrrrd

cant wait for my 21st!

im supposed to go see amanda. but the cramps wont chill out. gay. i need to start working out more, or get a sex change haha

anyway.
i had my valentines dinner early. john put out a candle at the sushi restaurant. i went with dustin..surprise..that was thursday.. i think its saturday. so it was kinda early.

meh. dunno what to write. dont really have words for anything anymore :-/

i hate being sick.

i feel like ive gotten worse every day since tuesday night.

i missed my belly dance audition for UCF, but thankfully they agreed to let me be an alternate. That works out well for me anyway since I usually don't make the performances.
And it gives me time to worry about other stuff.

BLEH

idk...

dustins at the superbowl vip celebrity bs party. and thats all hes been bragging about. He thinks hes special for getting to work there. But i think superbowl is highly overrated lol. I wouldn't have even known about it until he was like 'yea guess where im going tomorrow'

gay...i wanted to get sushi.
I need to finish a test online and then I guess i have to see my cousin today.

so i had 2 shoots. one friday and one saturday, im still exhausted.

i didnt expect the one in cocoa to last for 5 hours. but im eager to see the results.
im happy with the results from yesterdays :)

i'm still debating whether or not i want to minor im biology too.

hmm

decisions decisions.

I have to belly dance tonight for UCF..im not in the mood..apparently i never really am..hm

oh well. hopefully ill feel more awake soon.

im thinking it had something to do with that absinthe and moonshine...amanda's and bobbys fault lol.

oh well, better start getting ready

on going to austria to learn german this summer.

if i like it there........i think i may move out to europe after school If a state in the U.S. can't satisfy my needs. I can't take it here anymore. maybe its just florida.

I'm sick of pretty much everyone except ashley. she will probably be going to austria as well. maybe people in europe arn't as aggravating.

I get to play this game tonight<3 I'm excited. I also want to take a trip to Centrilia PA or however you spell it. It was the abandoned town that silent hill was based off of. cause of the mine fires or w/e. the pictures looked really cool. i think the population is now 11. haha. sounds like my kind of town. it looked gorgeous.

and i get to finally play this game tonight<3 its my obsession.


i'm ready to leave it all behind and start something new.

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey its just a better way
cause its a long way out.


stuuuuck in my head.

I don't even have words to describe how I've been feeling lately. It's a mixture of loneliness and anger. i dont know how i can quickly change to being so happy for no reason. But i have no way to explain what's going on in my head.

so..my roomates want to have a "little talk" with me. Don't know what the hell i could have possibly done this time.

i pretty much avoided them. If they bitch about anything else stupid, you can bet im going to burst. I can't hold it in anymore. I've already gotten rid of most of the horrible people in my life. now i have to deal with them.

Good news is my kidney B.U.N count is good so i dont have to worry about drinking so much or be paranoid. but i still need to stay away from painkillers.

i so ate something that made me sick....great

isn't really that bad.

Ashley is in all my classes that i have on campus. and arielle and melissa and steven are all together in one. gigi and steven are in our other one. and...its just us in our cross cultural class. but still awesome to have people i actually know in my classes.

my online one isnt too bad. i need to get my other books for my other 2 classes that i havent gotten yet.
I'm supposed to be going to cocoa tonight to shoot, i gota call the photographer around 3. he seems really cool. dustins going to drive with me there so i dont freak out, but since the photographer doesnt have escorts he has to go off and entertain himself at a bookstore or walmart until im done. I definitely did my homework on this guy and he's not a freak so im not too worried. if they dont allow escorts they'd better have some good references.

I'm glad i didnt do a shoot with that one guy, he would have probably raped/killed me. He was a fucking nutcase. had no references, and allowed no escorts. weirdo..

but anyway, nothing else really new. I have to babysit a few times this month. And jackie is probably coming into town for some flute bullshit at the end of the month...and she really wants to hang out..but i kind of don't want to. She's turned into a little skank...well maybe not so much a skank..but definitely a big time pot head who thinks she needs it all the time. It's kind of depressing. She really has turned into a spoiled brat, it's sad to see that happen to someone i grew up with, and shes only 16..but i guess thats the norm for 16 year olds these days.

*sigh* last night it was fucking cold, and it still is, and my dumbass roomates keep turning the AC low. I don't know what their problem is..If they want cold..open their own fucking windows. I turned off the AC and they were bitching last night (after a night out of being drunk as everyone else around here) surprise! and yeah...it really aggravated me. I can't wait to move out of here and leave them be.